It's normal and healthy to get angry when there is a good reason, and sometimes we just feel angry but we don't really know why. It is important to do something with our angry feelings and not bottle them up. But losing our temper may make things worse. It's how people express anger that can lead to problems.
"In my family no-one shows they are angry...well, apart from my Dad. Everyone just keeps it inside. Sometimes I go up to my bedroom and just want to smash things up".
If you are a young person and your anger is making things difficult for you, then the following pages might might help.
Here are just a few examples....
being hurt or abused
being shown up in front of other people
experiencing family changes like parents' divorce
being let down... or letting ourselves down
things being unfair
having to do something we don't want to do
not being listened to
feeling lonely or rejected
too much pressure from school or home
someone dying or leaving us
being unwell ourselves
things not working out as we'd hoped
We might...
hit other people
shout at or pick on people
mix with people who get us into trouble
break things
lose control
wind people up
...or we might turn our anger and hurt feelings in on ourselves and this can lead to...
eating problems
feeling low
putting ourselves in danger
refusing to go to school
not talking to anyone
harming ourselves
drinking too much
misusing drugs
Some of these things might make us feel better in the short-term. But they can make trouble for us later that is harder to sort out. People might not understand why we are behaving like this.
When we get angry, our bodies experience a "fight or flight" response caused by adrenaline, a hormone which helps our bodies to react instantly to stress. Our teeth clench, shoulders tense, heart pumps faster, stomach turns, fists clench, muscles tense. These can be useful signals for us to warn us when we are getting worked up.
"My heart was pounding and my hands were sweaty. I couldn't keep still - I had too much energy. I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't even sleep properly".
Sometimes it can be hard to admit to anyone, or ourselves, that we feel angry. There may be a lot of pressure on us not to show how we feel. We might be aware of feeling other things:
"Inside I felt bad about myself. When I lost my temper it felt like I was losing control. I was scared, but nobody know - they were scared of me."
If we are aggressive, we make other people feel angry - and if people are aggressive to us, it makes us feel angry and no-one gets what they want.
As we learn to stand up for ourselves in a calm way, we improve our communication with each other. This helps us feel more confident that we can sort things out AND get what we need.
"I get angry when Dad has a go at me about going out in the evenings. I've done all my homework and everyone else is allowed out, but he and my step-mum expect me to stay in and help look after my sister".
If there is a problem with someone, it might help for you to agree a certain time to sit down and discuss it later, rather than in the heat of the moment.
Make sure you both have a chance to put your point of view across (and don't interrupt each other!).
Once you know exactly what you both disagree on, take it in turns to think of solutions. It can help to write these down.
If, after you have made an agreement, things occasionally slip back to how they were before, don't worry - this doesn't mean it isn't going to work.
"I talked it over with dad and my step-mum. They didn't understand at first but I explained that I wasn't a kid any more and had my own life. We agreed that I could go out if I was back by 10 o'clock, and that I'd still baby-sit for them sometimes."
Of course both sides may need to change. If you still feel stuck, there are always other people who are willing to listen and help (see help section).
Unclench those fists, yawn, smile, loosen up!
If you are already angry about something you can't do much about (e.g. parents divorcing), you might be more likely to lose your temper in other situations too. For example, someone at school seems to be winding you up; on another day this wouldn't have bothered you at all. If you find yourself starting to feel angry, it can help to have some thoughts prepared to keep you out of trouble...
"They're not worth bothering about"
"I won't let it get to me"
"It's his problem, not mine"
"They might get bored, and will go away if I don't get wound up"
If you can stop the situation getting to you, you will feel more in control of yourself. You will become more confident about thinking about what YOU want to do, rather than what someone else has pushed you into. If you are being bullied there are organisations that can give you more advice (see help section).
Try to stay out of situations which make you angry.
Sometimes it can help if we can look at things from another point of view to help us have a more balanced idea of what is really going on.
"I hadn't been at school for a while and I just got freaked out about going. On the first day back I was really wound up and when Josh turned round and started laughing at me, I just lost it..."
Sometimes, if we are feeling something really strongly, it can be hard to see things from any other point of view:
What would you say to someone else you cared about in your situation?
What else could the person who has annoyed you have been thinking or doing, other than what you are imagining
It is important to take time out to relax and do things that we enjoy. Everyone relaxes in different ways - what works for you?...
Listening to music
Talking to someone - this can help put things in perspective
Going for a walk
Having a long hot bath
Taking slow deep breaths when you feel anger coming on
Drawing, painting or writing in your diary what you are feeling
Running, cycling, playing football or other energetic sport
Listening to a relaxation tape
Getting into a good book or computer game
Sometimes it's hard to know why we are feeling angry. Something might have happened a long time ago and now we find ourselves over-reacting to all sorts of things. Or sometimes we might find we can't talk to the person who makes us feel angry because they can't see their part in it, or we are scared of them. If this is the case, it can take a lot of courage to ask for help but it's important to try and talk to someone we trust like....
a friend or relation
favourite teacher
social worker
youth worker
Connexions adviser
mentor
school counsellor
school nurse
doctor
If this isn't working, your family doctor could refer you to a counsellor or someone who could work with you to give you more skills to manage better. Your local child and family consultation service can help children and families with all sorts of difficulties. They will give you a chance to talk about how you feel. These services are confidential so your friends and school don't need to know about it if you don't want them to.
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